TR # 17 - Shoelace

"The people you've touched,

the way you've touched them

I hope they've touched you too,

'cause in this life it's hard to tell

what's false and what is true."

I don't remember how old I was, maybe five or six, maybe even four. I used to chase Ma' like a shadow, shoelace in hand, begging her to teach me how to tie my shoes. And I spent hours blocking the blood flow of her arm to practice, while Gogo and Pa' were trying to teach me the technique in theory with their typical masculine logic ("Take the lace, turn it, then slip the top into the hole and pull the other side".... men ....). I don't know if any of them has memories of this stage of my childhood, but certainly they don't remember why I had it. I was terrified that Ma' could die at any moment without having time to teach me to tie my shoes (and this says a lot about my confidence in the teaching methods of the males of the house). I don't know where I've heard it, perhaps it was Freud perhaps an episode of CSI or Criminal Minds, that this is a very common phase for every child, reckless fear of seeing their parents die suddenly. Instead the laces' thing was just my obsession.

Tonight Tat returned home with shining eyes, a lump in her throat and a calling card ready to call her boyfriend, whose father died suddenly. He had a cancer, but died for a regurgitation due to the chemo. He was 55. I've been there, Gogo's been there, and in our way we were both far when they needed us the most. Gogo gave up his Erasmus, I came back with my boyfriend back then to help arranging the funeral. It's one of those experiences that you don't wish to anyone, but that teaches you more than you learn in decades of school. It teaches you to be strong for everybody, to fight back your own tears so you can dry everybody else's, while you're waiting for your turn to fall apart that never comes. It teaches you the meaning of the word "impotence" and it brands it in your heart, in that guilt that-no matter if you're near or far-makes you think about what you could have done said changed and instead you've not done said changed. It teaches you to reconsider your life, your future projects in the light of what happened, because when death hits you so close it also inevitably changes your life.

I was taught to seize every opportunity and to learn as much as possible from everything that happens to me and from the people I meet. And if today to learn how to tie my shoes I can Google or Wikipedia "tie shoes" and I'm fine, to learn to appreciate life and decide what I want and what I have to change I have no other choice but to observe the world, the people, and myself in all this. And every day, remember what I learned and who taught me. Meanwhile, shoelace in hand, I begin to review.

TR # 16 - Life is now

In Toronto it's All Saints' Day but for Canadians it's only the day after Halloween.Yesterday we saw the first snow -yes, in October!- but soon it stopped because the temperature dropped below zero -yes, always in October! So I go to the Walmart for a stock of heavy stockings "in pure bamboo".... .... .... which don't have "denari" to indicate the thickness, like in Italy, nor sizes but only weight "40-49 kg" or "50-59 kg" as if they were goddamn diapers! It's two days since I Toy Yu and Tat moved to our new house that is not so new because it's the house that my fellow CELTA mate Al left us and that I knew well from when I did the course. Ma' put me immediately on guard, "clear understandings breed long friendships, establish immediately some rules for who washes and cleans eh?!" Yes, we and our Italian mentality... just got out of my room I found Toy and Yu -Japanese and Korean, respectively, with vacuum-cleaner and sponge to wipe invisible stains ... right, Toy teaches home economics, I forgot. And I become the expert on laundry, dishwasher, groceries, cleaning, oven ... who knows how long will it take for them to realize that I don't have a clue about all these things! The first Italian dinner is a success, despite the flavorless olive oil here in Canada and Barilla spaghetti that are not like spaghetti Barilla in Italy ... and the first laundry is a huge success despite the 70-minutes dryer on clothes whose labels indicate in capital letters DO NOT TUMB DRY, DO NOT SPIN, HAND WASH! Well from now on we'll ignore the labels. It seems strange to be able to wash your hair on Monday, and be able to leave the bed unmade 'cause it's my room and there are no more MM's bollockings and to her face we spend every night together and have dinner together, contrary to what she thought.

And like a deja-vu the Internet works in fits and starts and I slip back into the despair of the early days here and I think maybe I'm a bit tired of Canada and I'd love to go back home. Then another deja-vu and the pre-sales for the 2011 concerts of Bon Jovi open, like exactly one year ago the 2010 pre-sales and I bought two tickets for the North America that would bound me to leave despite the visa despite the money despite everything. Now I buy a ticket to Toronto on Feb. 14 and one for Udine July 17. And then Tat tells me that she begins to regret having to return home soon, to Brazil, because this is a unique experience while her family will always be there waiting for her ... saudade de Canada, as they say. And then I remember Al's words, on the eve of her departure for Vietnam she said: "Yes, I'm afraid, but despite everything I know that I'll be exactly where I'm supposed to be" and unwittingly quotes word for word a song by Bon Jovi, the "Welcome to Wherever You Are" that gives the title to my blog and I should remember more often. Then I take a walk in the park near the house and my iPod decides to play the song I was listening, crying, while waiting for the plane that would take me here: Ligabue tells me "and also the stars fall, some both inside and outside.. for every wish that you make, another hundred are left out ... no worries". And looking at the dazzling colors of the Canadian leaves, that fell to the ground creating a layer of pure poetry for my eyes... it almost makes me want to see how it will look with the snow. Not that long to wait, I guess. And then there's Jon waiting for me for Valentine's Day, I can't miss that. But then he'll be waiting for me back home, and certainly I can't miss that either.