Who knows (taste of regret)

Memories are treacherous: you're sure that they're elaborated, rationalized and stored in the back of your mind to explain all your life's events… and then, little removed details suddenly come to light, awaken by the smallest feeling. And so you understand, in that short instant, the reasons of many of your behaviours. Thus, when my seven-year-old daughter insists on making me taste that so-called "strawberry milk", I'm not expecting what's about to happen. It happens that the so-called milk tastes like strawberry chewing-gum. So what?! So much, instead. 'Cause that's the same taste of my first kiss, so long ago. I remembered having thought two things: "Tastes like strawberry" and "that's it?!" But then that beautiful sensation came back to my mind, for a short instant. Having the whole world at my feet. Having all that I wanted. My mind empty, no thoughts. Pure happiness. It lasted just a moment, then and now. And since that day -that evening, I mean- I never dreamed of flying anymore. My analyst told me it's because I'm not able to let myself go. Of course. The bruises of the crash, when you fall, remain, they don't heal. It's called "growing up".
Then there was my first time. My first time tasted like tears. Not because of the pain –not only that, at least- but because it represented freedom. Freedom from taboos, from concerns... concerns of what?! After all these years I can't recall it, but sometimes that taste of freedom comes back to my mind, oh yes.

And then so much water flowed, under the bridges. Bridges of life, death, pain and joy. And then he crossed the bridge. He seemed so far from me that I must have been on a boat. Our affair was a matter of distance and lack, more than normality. That normality which -who knows- could have destroyed us. Our desire was fed by the impossibility of living it -or, who knows, it could have been real love. And after all, "real" depends on those who live it. And we both lived it, but each one in his corner, afraid of the possibility that the whole world could have put us to the test and asked us a reason for being us, and not simply "me" and "you". I insisted on saying that a dream can change the whole world's mind, and persuade it. When you're young you're sooo ingenuous, sometimes. But then maybe -who knows- if you try, maybe the world is ready to be changed by a dream. And then maybe -who knows- we would have fallen upon that normality that scared us so much. All that I know is that, when I hugged him, in that fake friendship's farewell in which each one really wished the other one to find a way that would finally separate us... well, I tasted tears once again. But they didn't taste like freedom, this time. They tasted sour, they were talking about regret. And if I think of us now, and despite everything I look at my normality, that doesn't scare me anymore, since I'm far from him... I can still taste that flavour in my mouth.
And I think, who knows?

No smoking

Every time I used to leave or come back, the "no smoking" writing would welcome me. It was written in enormous letter over the buildings sorrounding the railway station, and it had become the symbol of every trip, ever since. Now that I was coming back to the place I used to call my home, that writing had disappeared.. of course, since the smoking ban was now law, there was no need for it to be written everywhere. The station though was still the same, so grey, smelling bad and with all those faces that here are called "sooo shady" and instead, there where I consider to be my home now, are just faces and nothing else. I was setting foot in Italy for a short weekend, right on the threshold of my endurance to my mother's care, just for a special occasion: ten years from our graduation, to see how much we've grown old and what's happened to That who's not Her boyfriend anymore. The places that I used to know have changed, but not so much. The streets have still holes in the asphalt, people and houses are still asking themselves if we're a village, outskirts or a little town. The air smells like smog. But the date with our past is "downtown", so at least it's troubling for everybody - and that's fair. Our funny chap mate arranged the whole thing, reserving a front-lagoon pizzeria to have the comfort of the landscape, at least. "Downtown" you can smell saltiness, humidity, sewer.. same as always, but in the evening you smell saltiness more than anything, so you feel better and almost think you're on holiday. So here we are, twenty adults who don't know what to do with this meeting, except for buzzing about it the next day, with the only close friend left frome those years. There's the copycat, the never-studying one to whom everybody should always pass the tests but-it's-really-not-fair-'cause-this-is-my-effort-and-you're-taking-advantage-of-it, there's the self-confindent girl damn-English-teacher-wasted-my-high-school-years-but-I-still-have-a-fucking-degree, there's the poser girl from-my-loft-I-can-see-the-London-Eye.. guess what, it's enough to say that you live in London, and you MUST see the london Eye, that big. «Instead I live in Lausanne, and from my loft I can see the lake». It's a joke –of course you can see the lake, you can see it from every house in Lausanne- but He's the only one to get it. Yeah. Of course. He saw it, “the loft”. He was supposed to live with me, in the loft. It was not a must, but it was a plan. At least my plan. Slightly before he planned to tell me "If you love me, stay here". «How are you?» Where do I start from? I'm just like that. I'm looking for something that may not even exist, I'm blaming other people for that happiness that I can't find in what's already there, and that's so much. «I'm fine, and you?» Let me tell you that you look like one whose eyes are full of melancholy and regret. But it could be just my sensation. «Not bad, you know.. the same, you know.» Yeah, the "same" that we used to share day and night, and seemed so worth to me. The same that turned out to be the same, nothing else. So true, the magic vanishes. He's a little fatter, turned a little whiter, he's a little normalized. He's not the man I wanted to marry anymore, I can't recall what I thought was so special about him. Except for the love he felt for me. «How's your job, how do you feel living in Switzerland?» You mean, except for those two lonely months spent crying? And the remaining time healing the wounds, to finally find out that I'm stronger by myself? And those pathetic attempts to hear each other? As if we could really remain friends, after all? «I was sorry not to hear from you again» «I think it was better like that» «Yeah, maybe you're right» Still don't have the guts, uh, even after all those years? I don't know what I'm looking for, but it's certainly not here, tonight. Not in his eyes, not in twenty faces that play no role in my life. And I even ate a better pizza in Lausanne. We stand up, a quick walk by the lagoon, then we greet each other. «Well, take care. Maybe we could hear each other, someday.» Yes, of course. Guaranteed. I walk away, breathe deep the air of what used to be my home and I used to think was my whole world. There was a time when I thought I could stop. Then I understood that maybe those who wanted to love me should have followed me - or wait for me, like John Donne's compass. To go back I get on a plane, to escape faster. I take my seat, fasten my seatbelt, watch the lagoon farther and farther away, I fly over the clouds and let myself be blinded by the sun. Beep. A warning has been switched on. It shows a cigarette with a red cross over it. No smoking. Welcome back home.

One noise, just one

One noise, just one. To sweep this gloomy air away, to heat this night with new life, 'cause night creates ghosts and fears. I was afraid of the dark when I was I little girl too, she thought. It's waiting for those things that we don't see, but we know exist, that scares us. Or -maybe- we're afraid of being alone and listening to ourselves. Too bad, that loneliness. But you have to turn the light on, right? That's how everything turns out right. But it could happen that it lights up only a little part, it could happen that I can't find the switch. That's when fear comes back. One noise, just one, would be enough to make you understand that life goes on around you, to understand that everybody else isn't looking at you. Or maybe is, if that noise is the bogeyman's step, if he's coming to grab you. Shit, I'm freaking out. No good, you must breathe deep Meggie.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.Panting doesn't do any good. It's a friend of silence, and silence brings ghosts and fears along, 'cause it's a night-mate. Oh no, this is no good. I'm sweating.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Neither the moon is brave enough to show herself, what a coward. And I know what "coward" means. Oh God, I know. Well, is there a God somewhere? I would really like to meet him, if he does exist, so that I could congratulate him. He made me perfect. Wealthy family, happy life. Not too many ambitions, way too many illusions. And the dream of love. Why didn't he make me a lesbian? Could have been the same, who knows. Or maybe not. I would have find it out too late, for sure. Another missed opportunity, one more. For her all life, in every damned event of those filthy twentythree years, she had never arrived at the right moment, ever. I was even born too soon, my fate was written. Fate. He's there, beyond everything, he manages everything and decides everything, he never speaks and throws cheap shots. But if you go off to war with him, it's like you're an underdog. And what's worse is that you cannot fly into a rage, this is not left to you either. 'Cause it's not someone's fault. "Fate's fault", you shrug your shoulders and that's all. But I can't beat anybody up, and I can't lean on anything. He must keep the balance, he must keep this crappy world up. That's the reason why he's so constant, he repeats the same old story again and again. It's such a pity that I found myself in the middle of that. If only HE was there, too. That's a record. Five minutes without mentioning HIM.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
He's not here and he won't be here. You must do without him. But the pain... you can't do without the pain. And it comes from deep inside, that's where it starts from. And there are no fake tears, no more light memories. Tears are as real as ever, memories are way too heavy. Tears that turn into screams, memories that turn into stones. Your wall is made of stones. But everywhere you turn, there's his smell, his face, his smile. All those things now are gone. And if you try to hug his shadow, you can't grab anything but yourself. But if you can't stand tall, you'll fall over and you will never learn to fly. And everything falls along with you. He's not here, you must do without him. In six months, how many time did I say that? Had I ever understood that. Had I ever learned that. If only... if only what?? If only I was different, but I can't be. I just can't not give a damn about it. As if it wasn't anything. It was everything, that's the fact. The fact is that I never arrive at the right time. If I had arrived before, I would have had him on time. If I had arrived later, maybe he wouldn't have even noticed me. 'Cause he would have already been with her. "Already"? I should say "again". "Her"? "Slut" would be more appropriate. Oh my God. Calm down.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Maybe I was too weak, maybe he was too unsure. I don't know, I can't know. Being at his side all those months, not knowing if he feels the same, if his heart is beating at the right pace. I don't know who would stand that. Having to trust his words, even if the light in his eyes shows a different colour. Your conscience then, it'd better shut up. Or it would tell you, that he's not talking real.
Devastating. It's so tremendously devastating. Suddenly arriving in his life, when they were breaking up. Bad choice, bad timing. Falling in love with him, while he was still thinking of her. Bad choice. Waiting all the time he needed, allowing him enough time to recover. And, in the meantime, falling deeper in love with him. Oh God, why? Why.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.Kissing him, then. And what's worse, believing that that was the solution. Figuring a solution where there's no solution. Believing that a hug, a strong hug could reassure both of you. But his hug is a shy one, his squeeze is not convincing. And you pretend not to see. And you spend your time hoping he will call you, watching TV 'cause if there are interferences, it could be the mobile ready to ring. Damn stupid, they were just interferences. Your mobile is dumb and the silence is a night-mate. And so, you create your ghosts and fears, but who can prevent that? Wonder who he's thinking of. Maybe he's thinking of her, and she's thinking of him. And I'm still here, waiting for interferences. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's thinking about going back to her. And I'm not brave enough to ask him. 'Cause if I turn the light on and I find out the bogeyman for real, then I know it's over. Better be uncertain, 'cause I'm sure he will choose me, at the end. Whatever. Slut. Such a slut. She took him away from me, and he let himself be taken.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I would have made the grade. I would have persuaded him that I was the right one. If only she hadn't come back. Sure, what can you do? After two years with her, six months with me can be thrown in the dump. Together with my whole life. Today it would be our first year. Today, right here. But he's not here, I must do without him. And the pain and the silence clasp my soul, good God how it hurts. He disappeared, soon after telling me he was going back to her. Nasty coward. He surely is an asshole, but I just can't hate him. 'Cause the fate drove him, he loved me. He loved me. And now he's not here. I must do without him. But how can I? How?
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
There must be a reason, for all this. Sure. Such a pity that nobody knows it. Oh, but I'm not waiting for someone to explain it to me -that's for sure. I've got the solution, 'cause he's not here. This night lasts too much. I just have to calm down.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
And close my eyes. And know everything's fine. Know that I'm worth. He used to tell me. But he's not here, and I have to do without him. Goodbye my soul. I used to love him. I still love him. I love you Jack, can you hear me? My darling, can you hear me? Holy God. My God.Bang.
One noise, just one, ripped the night, swept the gloomy air away, woke up the nature. One noise, just one. And just like a call, here he comes as if he heard it. He comes, he sees, he doesn't know.
'Cause if it had to be a goodbye, it would have been a goodbye, but as he wanted it to be. 'Cause "cancer" must not be said, cancer scares, cancer hurts. And she was so close, she had already healed him, from a too long-dragged love. Suddenly bursting into her life, when she was so frail and so delicate. Bad choice, bad timing. And disappearing, when she was deeper in love than ever. Bad choice, even worse maybe. But fate had decided, it had all the power. There had been no choice, nothing else to do. How could you impose also that, on her? How, after imposing on her to be close to you, to be able to stand what everybody else wouldn't have stood, to heal, with her smile, the disillusion of a past love? That smile that teased him, that face that kept on coming back, in the places, in the streets, in the smells and faces of their love, so brief and yet so intense. It would have lasted, one more instant would have been enough to reach eternity. But if pain doesn't leave any way out, disease leaves even less. And that illness, so big, so invisible, had taken possession of him, and life changed. His eyes changed, when he said I Love You, 'cause if this could be the last time, you're almost breathless when you say it. And you're not brave enough to tell her why, why that voice, why that blink. And if you don't say it, the silence will create ghosts and fears for you. Fear of not seeing her again, fear of hurting her, fear of stealing her smile, but her smile is all that's left for you. And fear brings you to drastic decisions. 'Cause she will hate. But rather than hating fate -'cause against him, you're an underdog-, she'd better hate you. She'd better call you a bastard, she'd better have a picture to tear, a pain to yell out, a name to give to that pain. 'Cause maybe, if it's you that will give her that pain, that pain can heal. Maybe. You'd better tell her you're going back to your past, you're going back to the other one, nobody's fault. This last thing, then you're gone. You just can't say who paid more. But you paid a lot. So painful, that hospital room, that white cold wall where her eyes still reflected themselves, and her face in your dreams. Don't know how, you fought thinking of her, hoping she could still be happy. And instead, you recovered. Don't care how, you're out of that. Regressed. Cancer has regressed. And while it's gone, you come back. But not at her's, couldn't be such a bastard. You come back to see one more place that talks about the two of you. The old barn. One year ago a new feeling was born, one year ago a brand new emotion. Memories of her all over the place.
Here he comes, here he goes in, here he sees. And the daylight brings light into him. Here he understands. Here he knows what he did, here he feels where he pushed the limit. Here she is, there, smiling at her mocking fate, while dying. 'Cause one more time, she chose the wrong moment. He's there, she doesn't have to do without him anymore. He's there but it's too late, it's too late when he understands. But the new day brings new light with it, sweeps the gloomy air away and brightens new colours. And as bright as the light, here comes the only choice.
Bang.
One noise, just one, had said goodbye to the night, and one noise, just one, welcomes the day, receives the light and sweeps the darkness away. And finally Jack's heart beats at the same pace as Meggie's. Finally two hearts, but only one beat, only one noise. One noise, just one.

One noise, just one.